Just Escaped from Anji Laozhuang Mountain Resort! These 3 Pitfalls Left Our Family Exhausted

Who can relate?! Took my 5-year-old to brave Junlan·Anji Laozhuang Mountain Resort, and ended up being "captured by the mountain god" as child labor 😭 This resort nearly had me writing my resignation letter in the tea fields!!!

🚗 Traffic Horror Story
I lost my mind when the navigation led us to "Laozhuang Village Shangwu Natural Village"! 1.5 hours driving from Hangzhou, with the last 3 kilometers of mountain roads bouncing us into meme-worthy expressions. My kid shouted from the back seat: "Mom, are we going to become immortal cultivators?!" But the moment we saw the hotel lobby—700 acres of mountain estate unfolding like an ink painting—my little human suddenly became poetic: "The air here tastes like matcha!"

🏡 Check-in Survival Guide
▪️ Standalone "thatched hut" in the rainforest turned my kid feral! Ran barefoot onto the balcony yelling "I am Tarzan," only to get his feet pricked by the bamboo floor into a meme-worthy face
▪️ Mountain-view bathtub became a water battlefield! Bubble bath flooded half the bathroom, the cleaning lady's glare could kill while mopping
▪️ Floor-to-ceiling windows with green views were too hypnotic! Kid counted tea plants against the glass for half an hour, insisting he discovered "dancing tea leaf sprites"

⚠️ Blood and Tears Warning Signs
1️⃣ Rowing at Ruoshui Lake is a massive trap! My kid steered our black-awning boat in snake-like patterns, crashing into the shore 17 times and scaring away white egrets
2️⃣ The hedge maze drove parents crazy! Kid played "Temple Run" inside while this old mother had to hold up ice cream as bait to get him back
3️⃣ The Gourd Playground is a black hole for energy! Kid climbed up and down the gourd frames 23 times, leaving dad collapsed in "Ge You slouch"

🍵 Immortal-Level Kid Entertainment
▪️ Tea picking turned into wilderness survival! Kid used the tea basket as a frisbee, scattering tender leaves like a heavenly maiden scattering flowers
▪️ Chasing geese at the farm shocked everyone! Got chased and pecked by a big goose, crying but still wanting to "fight another battle"
▪️ Infinity pool beautiful enough to take your breath away! Kid floated with a swim ring for 2 hours, face sunburned into a Red Fuji apple

💰 Bankruptcy-Level Bill Shock
✔️ Invisible costs and soul-searching questions: "Mom, can we stay until we turn into fossils?"
✔️ White tea tasting became a brainwashing session! Back home, kid treats room-temperature water as "82-year-old Anji white tea"
✔️ Dad's mental damage fees: Playing at the car club's go-kart track, back covered in pain relief patches due to muscle strain

🍴 Foodie Destruction Plan
▪️ All-day dining restaurant drove our picky eater crazy! Devoured three bowls of bamboo tube rice and wanted to "take the bamboo as a souvenir"
▪️ Afternoon tea pastries triggered a diplomatic crisis! Kid "bribed" the chef with macarons to learn cream piping, turning the piping bag into fireworks
▪️ Night room service became a nightmare! Kid called at 2 AM "wanting spring water for milk," the butler smiling with murderous intent

Now my kid keeps asking "when are we going back to be tea-picking children in the mountains?" This resort has raised the bar for family trips to Everest level! I hear the tea fields turn into golden oceans in autumn 🍂 This old mother has already stocked up on 10 bottles of mosquito repellent. Anyone else have kids who want to be mountain monkeys too?